Quick Fix: Rat Cash

23 April 2013 Sophie Quick

Quick Fix: Rat Cash

Illustration by Michael Weldon

Dear Quick Fix,

What is the correct etiquette around crowdfunding for rodent caesarians? My rat, Bronwyn, is heavily pregnant and I am fretting about her birth plan. Do you think I could start up a Pozible campaign and ask friends and acquaintances to chip in for the cost of a C-section? My sister says the idea of an online fundraising campaign is vulgar and that Bronwyn would be happier delivering naturally at home. Personally, I would prefer maximum veterinary supervision because Bronwyn is 95 years old in rat years and not definitively female. (Bronwyn used to be known as Brad, until she started getting really fat.) Those who support the campaign will be rewarded with great exclusive content, including photos of Bronwyn snoozing in her hutch and mesmerising footage of Bronwyn chomping on rat snacks. With these very attractive inducements, I don’t think it is at all coarse to raise some cash for my rat online. Do you? Rat Raising

  

Dear Rat Raising,

Well, the inducements you’re offering are not especially enticing. At the very least, you need to offer the highest pledger a framed, barefoot-and-pregnant watercolour portrait of the expectant mother – anything less is poor form. But, really, I think you and Bronwyn might want to reconsider the whole plan. The thing about crowdfunding is that, unless you are already famous, you can really only do it once. Goodwill won’t last for a second campaign. So think about Bronwyn’s future. If you go ahead with this idea, you are basically ruling out crowdfunding as an option for any of her future creative projects. If Bronwyn wants to cut a record one day, for example, or launch a line of sustainable hutch ratcessories, will the two of you be at peace raffling off meat trays down at the RSL, knowing that you blew all your crowdfunding goodwill on a lavish rat caesarian? Think about it. Quick Fix

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