Quick Fix: Deal-breakers

10 May 2013 Sophie Quick

Quick Fix: Deal-breakers

Illustration by Michael Weldon

Dear Quick Fix,

My boyfriend Tony is a wonderful man – smart, funny, fit, rich and faithful…but, after three years together, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that something’s not quite right. Maybe it’s his hairstyle (frosty tips), maybe it’s the weird pet-names he gives me (‘de-facto-pants’, ‘spouse-face’), maybe it’s the wacky public displays of affection (delousing, ‘stacks-on’), maybe it’s his annoying hobbies (Tony is a keen amateur surgeon and I’ll often wake to find him trying to remove my appendix). Do you see any of these factors, or the combination of them, as a deal-breaker? He also wears leggings and once bit my turtle. Spouse-Face

Dear Spouse-Face,

Shane Warne used to have frosty tips and he was a wonderful cricketer. Leggings are very comfortable and you don’t really need your appendix. ‘Spouse-face’ and ‘de-facto-pants’ are charming terms of endearment and ‘stacks-on’ is always adorable, especially on asphalt. I agree that Tony should not have bitten your turtle, but we all make mistakes and I’m sure that, looking back, he now wishes he had expressed himself differently on that occasion. As for the delousing: that is your own fault for having lice in the first place. No offence, but you are pretty nitpicky for someone who is actually hosting nits. You should probably just take whatever you can get. Quick Fix