Quick Fix: Failure to Lunch

26 July 2013 Sophie Quick

Quick Fix: Failure to Lunch

Illustration by Michael Weldon

Dear Quick Fix,
Every single time I arrange to have lunch with my friend, Philip, he cancels. He always seems to have some sort of excuse. Sometimes it’s a weird mishap (“I got puked on by a penguin”). Sometimes it’s an apparently better offer (“I am snorkelling with a rheumatologist”). Sometimes it’s a concocted medical emergency (“My earlobe is literally dangling from my ear”). We have tried and failed to lunch 10 times in the past 12 months. At first I found the cancellations a little bit annoying, but lately I’ve begun to find the whole thing incredibly wounding and emasculating. Am I such a terrible lunch date? Should I deliver an ultimatum? Should I give up on lunching with Philip, forever? Ditched Diner

Dear Ditched Diner,
Just as some men struggle to say “I love you”, there are some who struggle to say, “I lunch you”. Philip is one of them. The solution is to surprise him at work one day with a bottle of wine, some crusty bread and a carving knife. Go right ahead and lunch on Philip, perhaps adding a light sprinkling of hundreds and thousands. Technically, lunching on Philip is the same thing as lunching with Philip, after all. You are a proud and beautiful man, Ditched Diner, and you deserve so much more R-E-S-P-E-C-T than you’re getting from your so-called friend and soon-to-be snack, Philip. Let this be a warning to anyone else who doesn’t lunch you the way you deserve to be lunched. Quick Fix

Got a real problem? Quick Fix can't help you. She has problems of her own, which you can follow on Twitter @squickens.