Quick Fix: The Right Ringtone

22 August 2013 Sophie Quick

Quick Fix: The Right Ringtone

Illustration by Michael Weldon

Dear Quick Fix,

I am in the process of recruiting a new person to fill a vacancy in my small business. There is one candidate who has really impressed me so far: his references are glowing, his interpersonal skills are breathtaking and his technical competency levels are borderline supernatural. Most importantly, in the role-play section of the interview (designed to test negotiation skills), this candidate brought an understated gravitas to the part of a Flemish separatist haggling with an elderly nun about the private sale of a 1987 Ford Falcon. There’s only one small drawback. His mobile ringtone is Simon and Garfunkel’s ‘Bridge over Troubled Water’. The position he is applying for is Assistant Loan Shark. Does this sensitive soul have what it takes? Bridge Too Far

Dear Bridge Too Far,

‘Bridge over Troubled Water’ is the perfect (and obvious!) mobile ringtone for a bright, up-and-coming young loan shark. And if you don’t understand why, then you need to hire this man right away – he can teach you a lot. It’s a ringtone that says ‘I am caring and sensitive and probably pretty good at planking’. And who doesn’t want their creditor to be kind and compassionate as well as wacky and fun-loving? It’s troubling, actually, that as a senior loan shark, you have failed to recognise this. Maybe you need to rethink your own ringtone. What is it at the moment? Probably something stupid and uninspired with only a loose thematic connection to predatory lending, like Pachelbel’s Canon or ‘Horses’ by Daryl Braithwaite. Quick Fix


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