Quick Fix: Patriot Act

25 September 2013 Sophie Quick

Quick Fix: Patriot Act

Illustration by Michael Weldon

Dear Quick Fix,

I’ve had the huge honour of being asked to sing the national anthem at an upcoming egg-and-spoon championship in Humpty Doo, NT. I’ve worked hard on memorising the lyrics and I think I’ve got the vocals nailed. (I’ll be going with an R’n’B vocal rococo style. Is there a single syllable in ‘Advance Australia Fair’ that’s not crying out for bluesy embellishment? No-o-oh-o-oh-woah-woah-oh!) But there’s one thing I can’t stop fretting about: what am I supposed to do in terms of gesture and movement? Should I place my hand on my heart? Clench my fists with patriotic fervour? Wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care? What do I do by way of dancing?

Panicked Patriot

Dear Panicked Patriot,
There is only one way to dance to ‘Advance Australia Fair’: sexy. If you are not familiar with the 2000s American dance-troupe The Pussycat Dolls, look them up on YouTube. Learn their dance moves; then learn to perform them in tantalising slow motion. If you’re not good at dancing, that’s okay, forget the Pussycat Dolls and just mime the hula-hoop action. Patrierotic is the vibe we’re going for here. Don’t forget to throw in a big, dirty wink when you belt out the word ‘toil’. You’re going to be a huge hit – I just know it. 

Quick Fix

Got a REAL problem? Quick Fix can't help you. She has problems of her own, which you can follow on Twitter @squickens