Quick Fix: Specific Solution

13 October 2013 Sophie Quick

Quick Fix: Specific Solution

Illustration by Michael Weldon

Dear Quick Fix,

Over the years, my husband and I have tried many strategies to stop our young daughter mixing up ‘specific’ and ‘Pacific’. We’ve tried hypnotherapy, we’ve tried light electrocution techniques, we’ve tried filling an empty Windex sprayer with imported Pacific seawater and squirting her face every time she errs. We’ve even tried to cure her via Rodgers and Hammerstein. (It didn’t work. Years after we took her to the famous musical, she still reminisces about South Specific. Very disappointing, since her father and I spent a fortune on merchandise and wore our South Pacific parachute tracksuits for a whole month after the show to reinforce the message.) The situation seems to be getting worse. I don’t know if we can keep fighting this. What should we do? Non-pacifist Parent

Dear Non-pacifist Parent,

She is doing it on purpose. I’d say that what began for your daughter as a genuine and harmless childhood mix-up has turned into a campaign of deliberate adolescent rebellion. Why is your daughter behaving like this? Well, it’s because her parents are Windex trigger-happy thugs who wear Rodgers and Hammerstein-themed shell suits. After years of cruel treatment she is fighting back – and good for her. In the short term, I hope the resistance continues. In the long term, I hope your daughter finds the happiness she richly deserves and gets as far away from both of you as possible. If I were her, I would consider rebuilding my life on a distant and picturesque tropical island, pacifically Bora Bora or Tahiti. Quick Fix

Got a REAL problem? Quick Fix can not help you. She has problems of her own, which you can follow on Twitter @squickens.