Quick Fix: Hamazing

10 November 2013 Sophie Quick

Quick Fix: Hamazing

Illustration by Michael Weldon

Dear Quick Fix,

I am a veteran Hollywood HAM artist with a big problem. After 40 years in the business, I still can’t get HAM (which stands for Hair and Make-up) to take off as an acronym. I spend my days dropping HAM into conversation with friends and colleagues ("George Clooney is tied up in HAM right now, but he’ll be on set in 15 minutes…", "Handling Kate Winslet’s Titanic HAM was a major career highlight…", "Did you see Miley Cyrus at the VMAs? Such HAM! " etc) but progress has been slow. Why can’t I get HAM in wider circulation? Hamstrung

Dear Hamstrung,

Why? I don’t know. Because HAM is everything anyone could ever want in an acronym. It is short, memorable, salty and evocative. It contains a vowel and it is rich in iron. What’s not to love? But you’ve done the right thing by getting in touch, Hamstrung, because an aggressive media campaign is probably the best way to get this thing off the ground. And if it doesn’t work, you’ll have to play dirty. Next time you have George Clooney tied up in HAM, make him up to look like a rabid sow. Take pictures and don’t undo your HAMdywork until he puts some calls through to Hollywood’s acronym kingpins. Quick Fix

Got a REAL problem? Quick Fix can not help you. She has problems of her own, which you can follow on Twitter @squickens.

Authors