Quick Fix: Best Foot Forward

21 November 2013 Sophie Quick

Quick Fix: Best Foot Forward

Illustration by Michael Weldon

Dear Quick Fix,

I am a sales assistant at a shoe shop and I am feverishly attracted to one of my colleagues. This man, Edward, is driving me to distraction. Picture him: the ankles of a stallion, the instep of a wizard, the toes of a tropical fern… He is a vision. Unfortunately, every time I try to talk to Edward, I lose my cool and end up stammering, staring at his feet and asking him weird questions about footwear. This is a problem because my short-term plan is to marry Edward. Ideally, the two of us would buy a charming farmhouse overlooking 10 acres in northern New South Wales. We could spend the next 50 years together playing barefoot bocce among the undulating hills of the Byron Bay hinterland. Under the present circumstances, how can I proceed with my plan? Footsy

Dear Footsy,
It’s pretty obvious you only like Edward because he has a nice set of trotters. Since you’ve made no effort whatsoever to grasp Edward’s complex humanity – and since you seem to have no genuine interest in doing so – I think you will struggle to extract a life-long commitment from him in the short term. Do you even know anything at all about Edward’s interests outside of work? Does your frond-footed prince have any non-physical qualities that appeal to you? Before you try to marry Edward, you need to find out more about him, for his sake and for yours. After all, he might secretly be a weirdo with a bunch of creepy fixations. For better or for worse, Edward is a person, Footsy. Not just a handsome pair of hooves. Quick Fix

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