Quick Fix: Gordon Gone Wild

7 February 2014 Sophie Quick

Quick Fix: Gordon Gone Wild

Illustration by Michael Weldon

Dear Quick Fix,

My next-door neighbour Gordon used to be a lovely old man, but ever since he got a walking stick, he’s changed. Now he spends his days rampaging the streets, using his stick to overturn wheelie bins and knock children off their bicycles. Yesterday I saw Gordon using his stick to scoop up a neighbourhood beagle and fling it over his shoulder. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even need the stick to help him walk because he’s taken to casually running it along my corrugated iron fence whenever he walks past. How do we get the old Gordon back? No Nonsense Neighbour

Dear No Nonsense Neighbour,

Gordon has carved out a new identity for himself as
hooligan elder and has regained his joie de vivre. You are just jealous because you don’t have a cool walking stick or anything else going for you. You need to reinvent yourself, too. Right now you are a just a standard suburban busybody, but you could be so much better. Why don’t you take inspiration from Gordon’s mobility-inspired accessory and invest in a pair of crutches? You could roam the district, using them to separate mating pigeons. Quick Fix

This article first appeared in Ed#450 of The Big Issue magazine.

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