Quick Fix: Poultry Problems

21 February 2014 Sophie Quick

Quick Fix: Poultry Problems

Illustration by Michael Weldon

Dear Quick Fix,

The smell of roast chicken is the most wonderful smell in the world! That’s why I like to advance-roast nine or 10 chickens whenever I invite a lady over to my house. Before she arrives, I place the roasted chickens in various strategic positions – under the couch, in my chandelier, under my bed quilt, in the shower etc – so that the aroma is evenly distributed and my whole place smells extra-superb. Last Valentine’s Day, I invited a lady to my house but she left abruptly after 15 minutes and did not return my texts or calls afterwards. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m wondering if her early exit had something to do with the chickens? Just Chicken

Dear Just Chicken,

The problem is that you’re too fixated on achieving an even distribution of the aroma. If you have a date on Valentine’s Day this year, it would be better to stash all your advance-roasted chickens in one concentrated space, like a walk-in wardrobe. If the night is going well, you can broach the issue of chickens casually but directly: “Enough about me, let's talk about how much you enjoy the smell of roasted chickens on a scale of 1 to 10...” If she answers 5.5 or higher, take her by the hand and lead her to your bedroom. Once inside, slide open the cupboard door and present your ladyfriend with a wardrobe wonderland of poultry. Quick Fix

This article first appeared in Ed#451 of The Big Issue magazine.

Got a REAL problem? Quick Fix can not help you. She has problems of her own, which you can follow on Twitter @squickens.