Quick Fix: Best Investments

12 March 2014 Sophie Quick

Quick Fix: Best Investments

Illustration by Michael Weldon

Dear Quick Fix,

I am a devoted reader of your column and have long admired your sound, sober and sensible advice. You are wiser than Doctor Phil and I’d say your instincts are even sharper than Skippy the Bush Kangaroo’s. That’s why you are the obvious person to approach for investment advice. I have recently come in to a large sum of money and I am keen to make it grow. Do you have any tips for a beginner investor? Ca$hed up and Cluele$$


Dear Ca$hed up and Cluele$$,

Figuring out how to invest is a matter of asking yourself some key questions. Do you enjoy pickles? If you do, then invest in a jar of pickles and eat them. What is a buffing mop? I don’t know, but you could invest in one and find out for both of us. Do daffodils depreciate? Yes. But if you invest in a bunch you will learn a valuable lesson about beauty and transience, because your daffodils will die for sure. Whatever you do, don’t start a share portfolio – sharing is for Communists and sharing fluids spreads disease. Quick Fix


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This article first appeared in Ed#452 of The Big Issue magazine.