Quick Fix: Muted Meditation

24 March 2014 Sophie Quick

Quick Fix: Muted Meditation

Illustration by Michael Weldon

Dear Quick Fix,

For the past year I have been sitting next to the same lady in my yoga class. She has a noisy and theatrical deep-breathing style (“UUUUHHHHHHHHH...”) that drives me nuts. Well, at last week’s class, I couldn’t take it anymore. I rolled up my yoga mat and shoved it down this lady’s throat. The yoga instructor immediately escorted me from the premises and told me never to come back. The problem is that I didn’t get a chance to retrieve my mat on the way out. For all I know, it is still wedged in that lady’s face. Is it okay to return to next week’s class to get my mat back? It is an eco-polymer lightweight deluxe performance mat in an exquisite shade of aquamarine. Mat Muzzler

Dear Mat Muzzler,

First of all, there is nothing more annoying than a stagy breathing style and you did the right thing by silencing this lady. (One of my own worst memories is the time I sat next to a fortissimo nose-breather on a bus from Adelaide to Mount Isa.) Secondly, even if you’re not allowed to participate, your former classmates will welcome your presence at the class next week – just as a menacing reminder to the rowdy exhaler that she can’t slip back into her aggressive old habits. Go back and get your mat. Thirdly, where did you buy it? Even when rolled very tightly, the diameter of my own yoga mat is just slightly too wide to jam down a yogi’s throat. Quick Fix

Got a REAL problem? Sophie Quick can not help you. She has problems of her own, which you can follow on Twitter @squickens.

This article first appeared in Ed#453 of The Big Issue magazine.