Quick Fix: Wedding Singers

9 May 2014 Sophie Quick

Quick Fix: Wedding Singers

Illustration by Michael Weldon

 

Dear Quick Fix,

My fiancée and I recently held a full dress rehearsal for our upcoming wedding. After the priest saw the two of us rehearse our wedding dance, he said his conscience wouldn’t allow him to marry us unless we promised never to dance together again. (My fiancée’s fault – the woman moves like a crippled mole). So instead of the traditional wedding dance, we’ve decided to sing a matrimonial duet at the reception. My fiancée wants the duet to be ‘Amigos Para Siempre’, the 1992 Barcelona Olympics anthem performed by Sarah Brightman and José Carreras. But I would like us to sing ‘Ebony and Ivory’ by Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder. (We are not a mixed-raced couple but I want to acknowledge my ancestors, who used to slaughter walruses in Greenland.) Can you help us resolve this dispute? It Takes Two

Dear It Takes Two,

How about ‘Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off’ as performed by Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers? You and your fiancée are terrible dancers with awful taste in music. Nature is selecting against people like you. Quick Fix

Got a REAL problem? Quick Fix can not help you. She has problems of her own, which you can follow on Twitter @squickens.


This article first appeared in Ed#457 of The Big Issue magazine.

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