Quick Fix: Garden Party Pooper

1 October 2014 Sophie Quick

Quick Fix: Garden Party Pooper

Illustration by Michael Weldon

Dear Quick Fix,

I recently moved in to a rental property. The house is great, but the garden is smutty and indecent. There is a gnome with a pointy hat striking a lecherous pose and winking lewdly by the birdbath. Also, while I was washing the dishes yesterday, I looked out the window and saw a bee engaged in an X-rated act with a geranium. Should I move out?

Yucky Yard


Dear Yucky Yard,

I know exactly how you feel. I am renting a place with a dirty and despicable front lawn. There are literally hundreds of thousands of filthy, suggestive blades of grass sticking up in full view of my bedroom window, not to mention the entire neighbourhood. You should probably just bury the gnome and raze the whole garden.

Quick Fix

>> Got a REAL problem? Sophie Quick can't help you. She has problems of her own, which you can follow on the @squickens Twitter feed.

This article was first published in Ed#467