Well Grounded

18 February 2016 Ricky French

Well Grounded

FAR FROM BEING the rumoured hotbed of waddle and sloth, a typical Australian campground in peak season is actually a dynamic, happening place – with enough going on to warrant its own newspaper. Below is a summary of stories from the Tidal River Review (but it could be anywhere).

Guy Rope Carnage
A mother, 38, tripped over a guy rope for the third time yesterday. She was reported to mutter, “Who put that there?”

Dredging Hits Trouble
Dredging continued this morning on a new channel from the beach umbrella to the ocean. Maddison, 5, and her brother Connor, 8, said their efforts were hampered by freak waves and being called for lunch by Mum. Engineers were sceptical about the project from the start, citing the general inability of sand to contain liquid on its surface.

Outdoor Cinema Still Not Open
Angry campers today descended on the Info Centre, demanding to know why the outdoor cinema was still not open. A spokesperson for the Info Centre was quoted as saying, “I think they’re doing maintenance.” Asked if this was a job that could have perhaps been scheduled for the off-season, the spokesperson replied, “Hmmm, not sure.” Fears have been circulating that campers may not get to watch The Hobbit 2 while camping.

Girl Goes for Swim
A girl, 12, went for a swim yesterday.

Assault Reported
An assault allegedly took place on the sand last Friday, when Colleen Pierce of Canberra reportedly received a hard and sudden slap to the leg. Suspicion immediately fell on Mr Pierce, who in turn claimed he was attempting to swat a mosquito. Mrs Pierce said to her husband, “You could have bloody warned me first. Why don’t you piss off and do something useful?” Mr Pierce responded by lying back on his beach towel and placing a T-shirt over his eyes. Elsewhere, there have been reports of deliberate splashing of family members standing up to their knees in the water, while summoning the courage to go for a swim.

Towel Threat
Police are warning campers to be vigilant while towelling off after a shower due to an alarming rise in sand-to-towel contamination. Inspector Rogers said campers were often taking their towels directly from the beach to the shower blocks, unaware that the towels were still sandy, despite being given a token shake off. “Drying after a shower with a sandy towel leads to a quite annoying scratchy feeling,” Rogers said. “The beaches are especially sandy this year so we’re asking campers to stay alert.”

Sea Levels on the Rise?
A heated confrontation took place on the sand dunes between two groups debating the cause of recent sea-level changes. At least twice a day the water has risen, which some are taking as evidence of global warming. Renowned climate commentator Andrew Bolt says the rising levels should not worry anyone rich enough to book a top-tier camping spot. “On average the sea level is actually lower than it was last week,” he said, clutching a non-peer-reviewed tide chart. “This is a clear scare campaign that comes all the way from the top,” he said, gesturing skyward. The moon could not be contacted for comment.

Hottest Ticket in Town
Local favourites, Guys with the Kingswood, entertained campers for the fourth night in a row, again pulling out the acoustic guitar to perform their greatest hits: ‘Sounds like Jack Johnson’ and ‘Yep, that’s definitely Jack Johnson.’

by Ricky French (@frenchricky) 

This article is part of a collection of Ricky's outdoor adventures, which we're sharing as part of the countdown to our 20th Birthday. Click here for the next instalment.

This article first appeared in Ed#450 of The Big Issue.